I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
