You smell like a Billy Joel song
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
