The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
be right there i have to get my cape
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
