I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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