never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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