THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
