The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
