He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.