why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm not coming to work today because tequila