Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think about you every night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
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it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?