i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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