yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
