if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
50% drunk capacity currently
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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