by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
