I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
