hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
