hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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