well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
