All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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