and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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