Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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