were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She's the barista slut.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
