if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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