sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
