Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
