whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
