I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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