Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want to be your penis for a week.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
