Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
