when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
