If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
too bad you live with your parents still
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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