So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
