you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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