watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
