the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
