All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
