Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
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My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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