Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
