Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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