I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
