you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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