i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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