Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
