??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
