Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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