We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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