So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
