True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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