Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
