Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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