I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
