I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
