TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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