Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
