I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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