hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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