Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
