i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
