Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
did you just send me my own nude
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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