YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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