Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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