my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
