On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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