Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
